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City of York to rebrand


The city of York is to be renamed, to avoid it being associated with disreputable ne’er-do-wells


With the main culprit being the sweatless Duke of 'York', the city is fed up of hearing its name in the news due to worthless people being rubbish. Even Andrew’s Chinese 'not a spy business associate' was said to have gone to The University of 'York'. The Archbishop of 'York' has faced accusations of failing to handle abuse cases, not great publicity as he is meant to be covering for the top Bishop who is checks notes ……faced accusations of failing to handle abuse cases.


'The City will now be known as Jórvík, as the Vikings named it' proclaimed a City spokesperson, fully regaled in Viking armour and with a historically accurate hornless helmet. Hoping it just means a few road sign changes and some nice new stationary, the new Jórvík council have embarked upon a rebranding campaign with a Scandi vibe of calmness and reasonably priced furniture.


The city had considered “New New York”, but it felt weird and lazy.


However, due to concerns about historic raping and pillaging allegations dating from 850AD, the city is now planning on using the Roman name Eboracum instead. A fine name, probably the one good thing the Romans did.


Writing credit hat-tip: granger

Picture credit: Wix AI

UK Government seeks reparations for 9th Century Viking slave raids

With reparation requests for historical misdeeds currently occupying a degree of newsprint, the UK Government have taken it upon themselves to seek recompense form Norway, Sweden and Denmark for a variety of Viking slave raids here in the 9th Century.


A Downing Street source told us, “After getting an earful in Samoa, Sir Keir has rightfully decided that now might be the ideal time to get in on the act and chance our arm with our Scandinavian neighbours. If we can claim some cash back for their ancestors pillaging these shores and taking away men, women and children as slaves, we might help Rachel plug that black hole.”


Asked if Foreign Secretary David Lammy might be involved in the negotiations, due to his well-publicised ancestry, they would only say he was currently unavailable having come off the fence with a foot either side and was now in some discomfort.


The Government is understood to have consulted the Archbishop of Canterbury over the dilemma of payment for sins of the Fathers. The Archbishop, Most Rev Justin Welby, only recently discovered one of his ancestors, Sir James Fergusson, was a slave owner, and so has a unique perspective on the matter. “Let’s be honest” he told us, “the Bible has a fairly relaxed attitude to slavery, so if the Big Man is OK with it who are we to question that.” On the subject of reparations he added, “Good heavens, no! A warranted amount of public self-flagellation certainly, and then quietly move on.”




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