"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.
"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.
"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.
"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.
"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.
"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.
"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.
"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.
"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."
