US asks Ukraine for missiles

As the US is burning through its missile stock, with more cruise missiles fired on Iran in three days than supplied to Ukraine in four years, the US has found that specialist weapons can't be generated overnight.

'We've been supplying Ukraine with missiles and now they are building their own. They must have loads now,' said a Pentagon official, 'unless they've been using them,' he added, admitting he 'only reads US news, mainly the sports pages'.

Apparently Europe and the UK have stockpiles of missiles but won't sell them to the US in case 'they decide to attack us next. It's not like they're acting rationally,' said practically everyone in Europe.

Trump to star in "Groundhog Day 2: Ukraine, Again and Again"

"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.

"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.

"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.

"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.

"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.

"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.

"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.

"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.

"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."

https://pixabay.com/photos/marmot-rodent-groundhog-himalayan-7483764/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Putin approves the sale of spud guns

President Donald Trump has said that his promise to sell Ukraine thousands of Tomahawk missiles is withdrawn because when he asked President Putin, Putin just tapped a file marked 'Epstein' and shook his head.  So Ukraine aren't going to get the weapons that could potentially force a ceasefire, withdrawal and sudden fall for Putin from a high Kremlin window.  Instead a range of weaponry has been given the green light by Putin to allow the war to continue until everyone is killed, bored or Farage is Prime Minister, committing all of the UK to aid Russia.

'Spud guns are allowed,' a spokesman for the President said (either, you guess, it doesn't make much difference).  'We had them as kids and they really sting.  That's why the President wears thick layers of orange makeup/sits fifty foot away from the nearest person (delete as inapplicable),' he said.

Other weapons allowed are conkers on really long strings, not boiled or soaked in vinegar as that's 'really mean'.  Catapults are allowed as well, and the recent ban in the UK is going to provide a strong supply chain. Or supply elastic rubber bands. Chinese burns are going to be allowed, but not on North Korean soldiers.  Or Russians either.  Wedgies are permitted in small groups, as is the use of wet towels.

'The President is going to loosen the restrictions on hurty words,' said the spokesman, again not making it clear who was directing the instructions.  Acceptable hurty words include 'Фарадж является российским прихвостнем', 'Брексит — это российский заговор с целью свержения Запада', and 'Реформаторы — хорошие ребята для России'.  However 'Оранжеволицый хорёк из Соединённых Штатов Америки находится в файлах Эпштейна, и у Путина есть копия.'  is on the banned list.  For now.