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Drawings of cocks will still count as votes



Voters are being warned that spoiling your ballot paper by drawing a cock and balls on it may not prevent it being counted as a vote. The Electoral Commission said that such actions will be interpreted as portraying a preference for the biggest knob amongst the candidates.


However, this will be done on a constituency by constituency basis, so that drawing a prick will not necessarily be considered as a vote for Rishi Sunak, Sir Keir Starmer, or even that LibDem bloke, even though they are all regularly compared to male members.


One thing is clear however. Since Nigel Farage declared that he would stand, it has been decided that any drawings of female genitalia will be counted as votes for Reform UK.


New poll finds that most voters lie to pollsters



A new opinion poll has found that 93.77% of voters lie to pollsters, undermining the accuracy of predictions about election results.


We wanted to find out what’s going on, and we were also quite thirsty, so we spoke to some people down the pub.


Colin Dale, 34, said that he is canvassed by pollsters two or three times a month. ‘I live in a marginal constituency that has boundary changes, so all the parties are going bonkers trying to work out how they stand. The pollsters are getting to be a real hassle. I’ve had people at the door, people at the bus stop and now you lot. I could let it get to me, but I thought it would be more fun to just wind everybody up. I think that’s a very British response to an irritating situation.


‘The basic question is ‘how are you planning to vote?’. I usually tell them that I’ll be voting by post. Then, when they ask again, I ask to see their market research credentials. Then I ask to borrow their phone so I can ring up to check their credentials. Then I usually say that I need the toilet and take their phone with me. After about 20 minutes I reappear, drying the phone with some loo roll, and tell them that I’ll probably vote for Count Binface. At least I’ve taken 20 minutes out of their day and spared my neighbours from their annoying questions.


‘Email surveys are the easiest. I forward them to report@phishing.gov.uk and hope that their accounts get blocked.


‘Political activists are the worst. They want to be your best mate and give you leaflets and stuff. They want me to confirm that they’ve got my support. I tell them all that they are a bunch of feckless idiots with no sensible policies. It’s a reply that works for all parties regardless.


‘Lying to pollsters is the perfect response. The politicians have been lying to us about all sorts of things, or treating us as idiots and not telling us out their policies. So lying back to the pollsters feels that the right thing to do.’


I ask Colin how he’s going to vote. ‘Buy me a couple of pints, and I’ll tell you,’ he says, ‘Can I borrow your phone to check your credentials?’




10 Reasons to vote Conservative – Number 4 will shock you!



1) Diversity in Prime Ministers, don’t just vote for Another-White-Man, we have incompetent leaders of different genders and races


2) Experience in Prime Ministers, we have had five different Prime Ministers within the last 8 years and Labour haven’t had one since 2010, that’s the “I Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas time period


3) Responsibility – the decent British mentality of if you broke it, you fix it. We wouldn’t want to leave all the problems we caused for someone else to clean up.


4) If you don’t, we will kill a puppy every hour, on the hour


5) You fear change. Change is bad and scary, stick with what you know, unless what you know is a union of European countries.


6) Blue Passports – You’re welcome


7) Trade deal with Peru – can’t you feel the sovereignty?


8) Availability of Food Banks – so many new ones are opening all the time


9) An aim to reduce some of the faecal matter in some of the waterways – achievable goals!


10) New Hospitals! New School Roofs! Dental care! We want them too and have already got private versions. None for you. Soz.




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