All 18yr olds to study maths - to realise how much wages have dropped

The Government has insisted that all students need advanced numeracy to understand just how much they're being screwed over by economic policy. Explained No.10: 'It's not as simple as two plus two equals no mortgage for you. It's a complex algorithm of crisis capitalism, corporate greed and the fact that butter now costs £10 a tub.'

Remarked one confused 16-yr old: 'If inflation goes up but wages go down, how many apples am I holding?' 'None,' replied the Minister. 'You can't afford apples.' 'And if two trains are travelling at the same speed from London...' 'Let me stop you there,' interrupted the Minister. 'There are no trains, all the drivers are on strike.'

The Minister continued: 'You'll need to focus on really big numbers - particularly if you are going to calculate your level of debt'.

Nurses try luring Steve Barclay to the negotiating roulette table

Premier League footballer openly admits “I’m overpaid"

Professional footballer, Terry Knowles, has become the first player in the Premier League to publicly announce he’s paid far too much for what he does.

He spoke of his relief and how he could now be himself and stop living a lie. 'I’m a sportsman of average ability lucky enough to play at the top level, but not worth two-hundred K a week. I was in denial, battling with my remuneration.

Knowles says he has struggled for years with the leafy Cheshire suburbs lifestyle when all he desired was a Manchester back street two-up-two-down and to drive around in a battered Nissan Micra.

Asked how his team mates were taking the news, he said their reaction had been largely supportive, although they all wanted to emphasise, they were definitely, 100% worth the money. He also praised his club for their reaction. 'Apparently the Chairman wants a meeting to see how quickly the Board can facilitate my new status.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/phillipkofler-715497/

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