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Russia denies Rhyl is part of Russia




Responding to claims that Russia is preparing to annexe Rhyl, President Putin has denied that the Russian Federation has ever laid claim to the North Wales resort town. 'The wastelands of Crimea and two cess-pools that border the Soviet Un- er - Russia - sure, but Rhyl? Come-onski, not even Russia is that desperate,' he said in a live tele-message today.

President Biden has publicly stated that if Russia doesn't withdraw, then it will be forced to take control of Rhyl and, if necessary, parts of Durham. Prime Minister Johnson has insisted partitioning some of the poorest regions in the UK to Russia is tantamount to levelling up, so 'what-evs'.

Analysts believe that Russia could well stand down rather than have to divert huge numbers of its military to keep the residents of one of the UK's poorest coastal towns in check. North Wales police are believed to be crossing their fingers and toes. 'Bloody good luck to the Ruskies on Saturday nights,' said a senior North Wales police officer.




First published 23 Feb 2022


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Metrology Crisis As Size Of Wales Increases



The current wave of searing heat blazing its way across the United Kingdom is creating acute difficulties for all those involved in the science and practice of precise measurement, from anxious scientists and surveyors to exhausted, scoop-wielding ice cream vendors as they dream of the luxury yachts they will buy with the season's takings.


With wooden rulers catching fire and steel tapes melting, increasing reliance is once again having to be placed on more permanent, geographical units, and particularly on internationally recognised standards such as the area of that principality sticking out of the left-hand side of Britain, about half-way up.


So how much has the size of Wales increased in recent days? 'By an area almost as great as the size of Anglesey' explained Professor Jones from the University of Bagwyllydiart. 'Unfortunately, this is complicated by the fact that Anglesey itself, of course, has also expanded. So the expansion is exponential.'


'But we're keeping that quiet because of all those numerically illiterate people who think 'exponential' necessarily means a rapid growth and that Wales is therefore on its way to enveloping the entire planet, covering it, drystone wall-to-drystone wall, in sheep and male voice choirs. A snail's shell, for example, grows 'exponentially' but we're not in any immediate danger of being crushed by an avalanche of giant killer snails slithering relentlessly across the land.'


'So how much has the size of Anglesey increased, you ask. Easy! By an amount, almost the size of Holy Island. Er, except that that, too, has expanded - by more than the size of South Stack.'




First published 22 Jul 2022


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