Trump declares war on death

In a statement live from the White House, President Trump has declared war on his own mortality.

The declaration came as a surprise to officials, as the announcement was supposed to be a major pivot from Make America Great Again to Made America Great Again. But due to wayward deviations and a previously unsurpassed display of meaningless rambling, a declaration of war became the key takeaway.

All Americans over six years of age are to be conscripted to fight this great war, which must be won, and won quickly. It is unclear what the strategy will be, or what weapons will be deployed, but it will be the largest military undertaking since Operation Spearhead to locate his favourite hat.

American intelligence agencies have been tasked with finding out precisely what it is that can be used to kill death. Senior Generals have been placed on high alert, although there has been confusion as to what they should be alert for.

'Maybe some sort of intense Situation Room scenario?' offered Major General Randy Manner. 'And if it's anything like last time, orders from the Commander in Chief to bomb death with everything we've got.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Tarnation, boy, didn't no-one learn you no history?

Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

A man who crept up behind the hardest bloke in his local pub and hit him with a barstool but failed to knock him out has said he feels “Now is the time for diplomacy”. 

Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was apparently stung by his girlfriend’s mockery when the local hardnut, Dave Concrete, accidentally jogged his arm as he walked past, causing him to spill his drink.

'It’s not like he meant to do it,' Sawdust protested, which in no way made his girlfriend think him less of a pussy.

Realising he would have to do something to prove his bravery, he decided he would hit Concrete from behind with a barstool, run out of the pub before he came round and never drink there again.

However, genetics had gifted Concrete with an abnormally thick skull and muscular neck, and he seemed barely to notice as the barstool shattered against him. Nor was he persuaded by Sawdust’s subsequent appeal that, whatever had happened up to now, they should put the past behind them, sit down and talk like adults in order to avoid further violence.

“In the face of such provocation, it would be unreasonable to expect me not to retaliate,” is probably what Concrete meant by pushing Sawdust face-first through the pub’s jukebox.

Photo by Victor Clime on Unsplash