New bin rules to include crude oil

Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight.

The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up.

The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-provided your house sits on a deep-water port. The binmen have requested that you do not mix your heavy and light crude oils, and please separate out any crisp packets.

A minister explained. “Provided each homeowner is willing to forego the oil required to make 345,000 bags of popcorn we should be okay.” Over the Christmas period when collections are delayed, people are advised against storing their oil, as it is likely to attract a ground invasion by the Americans.

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Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire.

Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks.  But the savings did not stack up.  To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st.

‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ said the Member for Environment and Planning, Ophelia Payne.  ‘All households can do better at recycling and this will reduce the need for people to send waste to landfill.  We know that nobody can properly separate the cardboard and the plastic from sandwich boxes, but we are asking everyone to try harder.

‘Landfill waste will not smell if householders ensure that food waste is handled correctly.  Vacuum cleaner dust does not fly around if you bag it properly.  And most modern mattresses can be successfully composted at home.

‘If anyone thinks that they can’t manage on an annual collection, then we recommend storing landfill waste in a pit in your garden.  If you manage this correctly, then it will be easy to dig up and put it out for the annual collection – although we must point out that the size of the landfill waste bin will remain at 10 litres.  It’s a small sacrifice, and it’s one that the planet will thank you for.

West Moorland District Council’s council tax charge is expected to rise by 17% for 2026/27.  This is mainly due to losses on investments, interest charges, and councillors’ expenses.

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Wind farm owners told to try harder

The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.

'This is a familiar story of good intentions undermined by incompetence, poor planning and poor execution,' said a government spokesbody. 'We have spoken to all those currently involved - put the wind up them, if you like - and made it clear that 77% is not good enough. We are fed up of going round and round in circles on this.

'If the operator cannot improve on 77%, then we will act swiftly to set up a commission with wide ranging powers to look at options and report back. I can confirm that there will be subcommittees and that difficult decisions will be taken. That'll learn 'em.

'In the meantime, we've set the operator an interim target to get to 85% this year, and to reach 95% wastage by 2030.

'That'll take the wind out of their sails' said one blowhard.

Image: Jesse De Meulenaere (@jessefotograaf) | Unsplash Photo Community