Help out in the Great British Turdwatch

'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.

'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.

'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.

'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.

'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.

"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

UK Water demands sewage 'from the river to the sea'

Appropriating the Peace Chant, the water industry plans to pollute with impunity. Said a spokeswoman: 'We've no idea where Palestine is, or what they want, but they've got some great PR on avoiding plumbing.' An irrate Peace Protestor remarked: 'We're calling for end to Israeli tanks, not an end to septic tanks.'

The Metropolitan Police has issued a warning that such a phrase could inflame tensions between Southern Water and their shareholders. Despite this the water industry boasted that their proposed sewage spill will be the size of Gaza - but, despite the bombing, people in Gaza will have better access to clean water.

Said the spokeswoman: 'We shall pollute on the beaches, we shall pollute in the fields and in the streets; we shall never clean up.'

image from pixabay

Waste disposal, the UK way

Gary, who is having an extension to his house, had a load of waste that he needed to be taken away. Delville, a local handyman, offered to take it away and dispose of it for a reasonable fee, and so Gary agreed. Later that day, Gary walked around the corner from his house and saw the rubbish piled on the pavement. He complained to Delville, who offered a refund of part of the money but claimed that he could not move the waste because he was, in his words, 'short of resource'. Gary contacted a different waste disposal contractor to remove the next load of waste. However, at the agreed time it was Delville who turned up with a truck and began loading the waste. When challenged, Delville explained that he had accepted a subcontract from the other disposal firm. He added that he was the only waste disposal operative in the area and there was 'zero chance' that anyone else would do it. Again, Gary went for a walk and found the waste dumped on a local pavement. He then hired a truck himself and began loading his waste. Delville turned up and told him to stop, as he was was not a licenced operator. Delville called the police, who told Gary that he was not allowed to transport the waste himself. 'At least I'm not as bad as the water companies' said Delville. 'I only take your money when you get the builders in.'

Earthquake Rubble Collapse - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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