Thames Water plans to set fire to all the rain

In what is being described as fusion between rampant capitalism and a James Taylor tribute, Thames Water said that they will undo recent showers. Their CEO revealed that rain was watering down their profits, ‘We need shortages to drive up prices - which is why we are pumping all the fresh water directly into the sea.’

Monetising thirst means Thames Water can offer premium dryness experiences. ‘Just think about it—no more rain delays for sports; everything becomes desert ball, a brand-new franchise.’ Future plans include repurposing clouds as advertising billboards instead of wasting time making rain.

They hope to see a booming wellness industry of grit cleanses and dust immersion therapy. ‘We’ll be creating additional wildfires to use up any excess water, while the remaining dribbles will be evaporated using millions of hairdryers powered by pure spite.’

Image credit: Wix AI

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

The drought: calling in the experts

Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer

With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.

In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.

'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.

'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.

“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!

“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.

'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'

Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”

With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.

story: chrisballard

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bstad-3630924/

First published 8 Aug 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

www.newsbiscuit.com