Reasons why I didn't go to Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice

What do you do when you get a wedding invite to a billionaire tech bro's wedding in Venice? Now you have to rearrange your diary, get plane tickets to Italy, figure out if you can claim it as a business expense, buy a new outfit, and more. Worst of all, you have to get them a wedding present that isn't for sale on Amazon, but would be delivered quicker & reliably. And you probably can't get it from Temu or Shein either, as that would cause offence. What a hassle!

So, given the cost, inconvenience, wall-to-wall media coverage, and - worst of all - having to meet all those annoying rich bastards - you could apply yourself to finding an excellent reason why you can't go.

Which is what we did.

Here's our list of the best excuses we could come up with...

- I didn't know when it was - somebody should have mentioned it

- Lauren and I used to be an item

- I turned up at Venice Street, Bolton

- I'm far too rich to attend pleb weddings

- Jeff stole my idea for an online marketplace, and I haven't forgiven him

- I would only go if Donald went with me

- all the Prime seats had gone

- I found another one cheaper on eBay

- it's a hard choice between Jeff's wedding and a hotel stay with Donald Trump in Moscow, afternoon tea with Harold Shipman and a pony trekking holiday in Gaza; I think I'll go to Gaza

- I was worried I'd have to subscribe to regular weddings in order to get money off

- it would betray all my Venice-in-peril donations from eating Veneziana pizzas

- I only go to weddings with five star reviews

- I didn't want to marry Jeff Bezos

- Amazon had increased the price of posh frocks and tuxedos in the run-up to the wedding, and Dunn and Co, went bust after Amazon came on the scene, so I had no idea if I'd just look like a fat bastard in an ill-fitting suit at such short notice

- I was worried that the wedding would show up in my favourites list

- Venice for weddings is so passé

- I was performing a secret set at Glastonbury - so secret no one was there

- it was the only day I could get a driving test

- I was stuck on a train in Wisbech on the connecting route to Great Yarmouth

- I'm Keanu Reeves and I wouldn't go to something like that

- because I'd see more of the wedding at home on TV than I would if I was there in person

- I've been to three funerals recently, so I don't need any more free nosh

With contributions from deskpilot, modelmaker, lockjaw, sirlupus, will , and Titus

Image credit: Wix AI

Harry and Meghan's seventh wedding anniversary

Harry and Meghan Sussex celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary this month.

Traditionally, the seventh wedding anniversary is celebrated by gifts of wool.  Or is it Formica?  No, it's definitely wool.

Harry will be giving Meghan wool, so that she can pull it over the eyes of Netflix executives, who've paid out tens of millions of dollars for some of the duffest TV shows ever.

Meghan will be giving Harry wool, so that he can pull it over the eyes of the British who are supposed to always love him, despite the kiss and tell book, the kiss and tell TV shows, the dodgy charity work and the constant moaning about his Dad, his brother, his brother's wife, his Stepmum and so on.  Basically the entire royal family.  And the British press.  And the British legal system.

We expect that Meghan will sell some of the wool on her lifestyle website.  So If you'd like to have Meghan's wool pulled over your eyes, then now's your chance.

Are you stupid enough to pay $700 plus postage and package for some wool?  Well, are you, punk?

Picture credit: Wix AI

Balmoral estate not planning to use planning permissions to plan weddings

The King's Balmoral estate has said it has no plans to allow wedding planners to plan weddings despite submitting plans to expand events in one of its buildings.

An application has been lodged to revamp the planetarium - in plain sight of the main Royal castle - to allow it to host up to 277 guests, plan live performances and music and serve alcohol up to 00:30.

Balmoral has been the Royal Family's Scottish holiday home since the 19th Century, and was where the late Queen Elizabeth spent her final days.

Various outlets, including BBC News, had suggested it could lead to plans for couples to plan to get married on the site. But the Royal estate confirmed later that despite the plan to get planning, there is no plan to plan weddings.

Photo by martin bennie on Unsplash