Local man would “definitely be as brave as the Ukrainians”

Martin Clark has confirmed that he would resist any invasion of the UK as bravely as the citizens of the Ukraine.

Nobody outside of the Kremlin has failed to be moved by the defence mounted by Ukrainian troops and ordinary citizens, and after watching TV news on mute in his local Wetherspoons, Clark issued a statement to his fellow drinkers that he “would like to see Putin try that around here”.

He cited his weeks camping as a child, the time in got into a brawl with a bouncer and voting to leave the European Union as proof that he could lead a resistance.

When challenged that he had no military experience or knowledge of military tactics, Clark pulled a battered copy of an Andy McNabb book from his rucksack and waved it in Dave Thompson’s face saying: “I’ve read this 13 times, thank you very much.”

Despite not being alive during World War Two, Clark referenced the Blitz 13 times during the evening, he also mentioned the “snowflake generation” nine times and the Queen five times, which he seemed to think were conclusive arguments.

When asked why he hadn’t travelled to Ukraine to fight alongside the local people fighting back, Clark pretended not to hear, quickly finished his pint and went for a kebab.

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Hopes fading for Kabul Wetherspoons

As the Taliban enter Kabul the future looks bleak for the city’s sole Wetherspoons outlet. ‘The Rory Stewart’, opened to great fanfare in 2011, was previously seen as major step forward in the rebuild of Afghanistan.

‘The post conflict hell of downtown Kabul seemed the ideal place to open a new pub’, explained bouffanted, modern day workhouse owner and Spoons boss Tim Martin, ‘In fact it seemed a little bit upmarket. But we felt that a combination of cheep booze, fruit machines and disgusting carpets was exactly what the poor Afghans needed as they attempted to rebuild their shattered lives.’

‘We don’t quite know what the situation is as we’re struggling to get any information out of there at the moment, but as a precaution we’ve already stopped paying our staff’

Despite the uncertainty it is thought the Taliban will inevitably close down the pub, as a spokesman for leader Hibatullah Akhundzada explained ‘His excellency will not tolerate such decadent, western infidel establishments. Besides, he’s much more of a Yate’s Wine Lodge kind of guy’.

Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19

Today is the day.

Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.

Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.

Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.

This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.

Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.

To this I say: never again!

So today, let freedom ring.

Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.

Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.

Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.

Let freedom ring.

From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-

Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!

I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.

And that dream came true today.