Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19

Today is the day.

Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.

Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.

Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.

This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.

Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.

To this I say: never again!

So today, let freedom ring.

Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.

Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.

Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.

Let freedom ring.

From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-

Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!

I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.

And that dream came true today.

WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead

Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.

A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’

Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn't breed’.

Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.