The White House's box office was deluged by absolutely no one as tickets went on sale for the Trump Yuletide Rant-omime.
"It stars the president acting as himself, speaking incessantly out of the back end of a pantomime horse," explained White House ugly sister Karoline Leavitt.
"The play opens with the humble heroine reading one of his Truth Social rants: 'Too bad failing Cinderella can't come to the White House Ballroom. Dresses in rags. No class. Complete loser.'
"But as pathetic Cinders weeps bitter tears over this extremely statesman-like jibe," continued the spokes-witch Leavitt, "her fairy godmother - Archbishop Sarah Mulhally of Canterbury - appears.
"'You will go to the ballroom, Cinderella,' says Britain’s new sky pilot in chief, 'and meet every one of the President's wonderful friends - none of whom ever set foot on Epstein's paedo island.
"'And you'll meet Prince Charmless - except he's not a prince any more. He's just a sodding embarrassment.'
"But the hapless Cinders stays at the ball too long, gets turned into Liz Truss and wilts into nothingness in a vegetable rack.
"So she turns out exactly the way our great leader predicted," crowed the White House spokes-curse. 'Failing. No class'. Just like all of us and our despicable show."
A set of marbles, apparently found next to a few playing cards, is amongst the items in the White House lost property office. Staff are hoping to trace the owner who is thought to be a child, possibly a toddler.
White House spokespindoctor Karoline Leavitt suggested that they were left behind by the previous administration and probably belonged to former President Joe Biden. However, it has been confirmed that Mr Biden still has all his marbles and continues to play with a full deck of cards.
Other items handed in recently include a sandwich, which may have been part of someone’s picnic, and the storyline of a play, which indicates someone has lost the plot.
When someone from the lost property department went to ask the President about the items, he wasn’t in his usual rocking chair in the Oval Office. It would appear that Trump has gone off his rocker.