Pete Hegseth paints himself into a corner

US defence secretary Pete Hegseth has posted a borderline treasonous video on various social media sites.

He has filmed himself spray painting America's plans for seizing Greenland onto the back wall of the White House. 'This isn't secret,' he says, 'those Eskimos know we're coming for them. Anyway, hardly any of them can read.'

Donald Trump has firmly backed Hegseth over two previous incidents. He published battle plans to attack Yemen after mistakenly adding a journalist to the message group. And in the second case he sent war plans to a group including his wife, presumably so that she'd know when to put the dinner on '

Trump said, 'our battle plans aren't secret. Hegseth is a good guy. I beat him at golf every time.'

Pete Hegseth's latest effort looks set to test Donald Trump's allegiance once again. The spray painting is in a bright orange colour. If he's used the President's fake tan, then he's in big trouble.

Hegseth said, 'I've posted the videos because I believe in free speech. I left Fox News for the kudos and the kickbacks, but it's less fun than I expected. Honestly, what does a guy have to do round here to get sacked?'

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White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as she is causing ‘a disturbing lack of productivity’.

‘She should hit the spot’, a spokesman told reporters. He has asked to remain anonymous. Well you would, wouldn’t you? ‘She’s got all the right bits – she’s young, blonde, obviously not too bright – but try as we might, nobody’s managed to crack one out yet. Could it be . . . no . . . surely not . . . could it be that we’re actually not that shallow?’

Scientists are equally baffled. Professor Barrett is a sexologist. Yes, that’s a real job. ‘Usually it doesn’t even need to be a real woman. A cartoon figure, a dangling stiletto, the suggestion of a nipple intruding on stretched fabric . . . . excuse me’.

After a while he returned. ‘Where was I? Oh yes – it’s the male superpower. We’ve never encountered anything vaguely humanlike which can’t be used as . . . supporting material. Even Ann Widdecombe could be used in an emergency – we’re talking zombie apocalypse level situations, and suicide might be the preferred option – but Leavitt is something else.

We asked Ann Widdecombe for comment but she was busy setting up an Only Fans page.

image from pixabay

Trump plants a tree on the White House lawn