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Tickets go on sale for White House Christmas Rant-omime

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The White House's box office was deluged by absolutely no one as tickets went on sale for the Trump Yuletide Rant-omime.


"It stars the president acting as himself, speaking incessantly out of the back end of a pantomime horse," explained White House ugly sister Karoline Leavitt.


"The play opens with the humble heroine reading one of his Truth Social rants: 'Too bad failing Cinderella can't come to the White House Ballroom. Dresses in rags. No class. Complete loser.'


"But as pathetic Cinders weeps bitter tears over this extremely statesman-like jibe," continued the spokes-witch Leavitt, "her fairy godmother - Archbishop Sarah Mulhally of Canterbury - appears.


"'You will go to the ballroom, Cinderella,' says Britain’s new sky pilot in chief, 'and meet every one of the President's wonderful friends - none of whom ever set foot on Epstein's paedo island.


"'And you'll meet Prince Charmless - except he's not a prince any more. He's just a sodding embarrassment.'


"But the hapless Cinders stays at the ball too long, gets turned into Liz Truss and wilts into nothingness in a vegetable rack.


"So she turns out exactly the way our great leader predicted," crowed the White House spokes-curse. 'Failing. No class'. Just like all of us and our despicable show."




Marbles handed in to White House lost property

A set of marbles, apparently found next to a few playing cards, is amongst the items in the White House lost property office. Staff are hoping to trace the owner who is thought to be a child, possibly a toddler.


White House spokespindoctor Karoline Leavitt suggested that they were left behind by the previous administration and probably belonged to former President Joe Biden. However, it has been confirmed that Mr Biden still has all his marbles and continues to play with a full deck of cards.


Other items handed in recently include a sandwich, which may have been part of someone’s picnic, and the storyline of a play, which indicates someone has lost the plot.


When someone from the lost property department went to ask the President about the items, he wasn’t in his usual rocking chair in the Oval Office. It would appear that Trump has gone off his rocker.




White House down

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In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble.


A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country.


'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here. 


'Those massive diggers and bulldoz... oh for farages sake... it's the fault of staff taking pictures. Otherwise, no one would have noticed.


'Okay, okay, okay. Look, it's the White House, so it was a blank canvas to work with. The President is just putting his Trumpstamp on it.


'It's going to be the bigliest most decadent ballsup... I mean ballroom... I can't faraging think straight with all this racket going on.'


An upgraded spokes-denier with earplugs appeared through clouds of demolition dust to continue.


'The plans for the grand ballroom will not in any way impact on the integrity of the White House,' confirmed Russia. 'Maybe we build safe sanctuary for underage girls, maybe strip club. Maybe we construct underground golf course beneath, maybe we build underground ice rink for next leader of America.


'Maybe Crassnob stay, maybe Crassnob go. Maybe we flip it to Chinese in prime real estate deal. Maybe we level whole thing for big Kremlin laugh. Whatever. How you say? None of your American business. We own now.'


Regardless of the outcome, until freedom of dressing up as a frog expression has been reinstated in Portland, the White House is renamed The Snowflake House.

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