Your alternative guide to staying warm - and maybe even alive - this winter

If you’re not the boss of Shell or BP, chances are you don’t have a spare million quid to cover the cost of warming your home this winter. As putting the heating on is not an option, you need to think outside the box, especially if you don’t want to end up living in one. But the good news is, if you follow this handy guide to staying toasty on a budget, one thing’s for sure - you won’t have to worry about your energy bills ever again!

Make a Tauntaun sleeping bag

Take a leaf out of Han Solo’s book and make a snug sleeping bag from a creature that is built for withstanding extreme cold. Being 100 percent organic, Tauntaun sleeping bags are also very environmentally friendly (except for the Tauntaun community) and the only tools you need to make one are a lightsabre and a peg for your nose to block out the smell. If having one delivered from Hoth becomes too much of a logistical challenge because of all the postal strikes, a hefty llama from your local petting zoo would be a viable alternative.

Befriend an arsonist

Hanging out with a new pyromaniac pal is ideal for staying warm on the go as well as an opportunity to expand your social circle. Just make sure you don’t wear too much hairspray when you’re with them and under no circumstances should you invite them back to yours for a Bonfire Night barbecue.

Get a pet dragon

Guaranteed to add a comforting blast of heat to every room, a pet dragon can warm your home for a fraction of the cost of turning on a combi boiler. Dragons are also very cheap to feed – simply let it tuck into the tabasco sauce and an old jar of jalapenos from the back of your cupboard and give your scaly companion’s breath an extra fiery kick in the process. Please do consider how attached you are to things like your pine furniture, your curtains and your eyebrows when deciding whether a dragon is the right pet for you though.

Treat yourself to a fondue foot spa

De-stress and de-flesh after a hard day by plunging your feet into a bubbling cauldron of molten cheese. Please note though - this tasty homemade spa treatment will do such a good job of exfoliating your feet that you may not have any skin left on them at all if you leave them in too long. To save time in case this occurs, it is best to draw a circle on one of your arse cheeks beforehand, so the doctors know which bit to use for the skin graft surgery.

Renege on a deal with the Devil

Hell is well known for its hot climate, and if you want to spend a cosy, cost-cutting winter enjoying its glowing embers, simply make a deal with the Devil and then wriggle out of it. It is highly likely the sneaky sod will be planning to claim your immortal soul whether you do his bidding or not, so if you throw in a bit of wailing, pleading and hysterical sobbing, he might not even notice that you broke your pact on purpose. If you play your cards right, you’ll be dragged into the fiery pit of Hell and be basking in all that lovely fire and brimstone before you can say Doctor Faustus.

Image: Pixabay/Anrita1705

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 10 Nov 2022

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Land Rover driver finally enjoys two days of using its full capability

The owner of a Land Rover near you is loving the snowy weather and is hoping for loads more, it has been confirmed.  He is, at last, enjoying the two days of the year he can use the full capability of the vehicle.

Mike McBride, a sales manager in Leeds, has been seen strolling out of his house into heavy snow, towards his huge beast of a vehicle, luxuriantly spread across 3 parking spaces, before smoothly moving off into a few inches of hard packed ice with minimal effort. 

'I live for these two days each year when the snow comes down,' admitted McBride. 'Everyone else is busting a gut with spades and grit trying to get their crappy little Clios moving without skidding all over the place, but the old Land Rover just cuts through like a knife through butter.

'I should say I’m not involved in the farming industry in any way. Nor do I shoot game where I’d need a dedicated space in my vehicle to put all the pheasant I’ve bludgeoned.

‘So, no, I have no actual need for a Land Rover. As a result, I have to spend most of my year trying to justify why I need a £75,000 vehicle to get me three miles from my suburban home to a city centre office, via a well-connected A-Road.' 

'Surprisingly, no-one has been convinced by my arguments that I genuinely need a car where the power is evenly distributed across all 4 wheels to generate my quarterly sales charts, or that the engine's powerful torque helps me and my team meet our KPIs.'   

'So, yes, on the rare occasions when we do see a bit of snowfall, of course I'm going to be out in my pride and joy from 6am, showing off its abilities to navigate ungritted side roads, effortlessly do a hill start on a cheeky bit of ice, and posting on Facebook that I'm available to give lifts to anyone stuck getting to work - even though I probably won't reply to any of the messages from all those losers with tiny one litre engines.'

McBride also confirmed his plans for the foreseeable future to drive right up other drivers' arses, and mouth instructions in a passive-aggressive manner for them to get into a higher gear and steer into skids.  

Picture credit: Wix AI