.
top of page
Search
A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.
'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.
'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there. We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.
He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related. 'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus. Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.
Picture credit: Wix AI
The summer fun is over and it's time to create that funereal mood that lets people know Labour's in charge of their lives, so:
1) Create a huge black hole. Root around your potting shed and pull out some incomplete Treasury accounts from before the election. Compare these with the completed Treasury accounts and spot a £22bn discrepancy between the two. Call this a "Tory black hole".
2) Cut out the deadwood. Take away winter fuel allowances from all but the very poorest pensioners. Deaths amongst pensioners will doubtless rise over the coming months. Dispose of these in the "black hole" you created earlier. Cover over by heaping more blame on the Conservatives.
3) Shovel nutrients onto the striking train divers and junior doctors. After all, you will need the junior doctors to write out the death certificates for all the deceased pensioners. And if anyone else with a trade union ever feels like striking in the future, be sure and pile nutrients on them, as well.
4) Sod the lot of them. If anyone complains about your more-heartless-than-the-Tories policies - sod them! You have a monumental parliamentary majority and you could turn the entire garden into a dictatorship if you really wanted to. Well, it sort of is one already.
Image: Mariakray - Pixabay
bottom of page