Reform Council Cuts Funding To Noah

As part of their attempts to cut local government waste, and to get a like from Elon Musk on Twitter, Lincolnshire County Council has suspended funding to a local shipwright for what they describe as, 'a woke waste of public money.'

Standing at his slipway near Mablethorpe, Noah Abraham looks down at the keel of his 'Animal Rescuing Ketch' and sighs. 'It's such a shame,' he tells us. 'They said the only deity they worship is Nigel Farage, and he's not given the instruction to build a vessel, so I'm officially cancelled, along with the Pride festival and Employment Rights training.'

At County Hall, a Reform Party spokesman defended the cuts, saying, 'Mr Abraham's project was yet another example of the waste that Reform Councils will be cutting through. Lincolnshire is clearly at no risk of flooding, so long as we take the time to stand on the beach at Skegness and order the tide to turn. And if it were to flood, we'd all simply get in small boats, sail up the coast a bit, and get put up in five-star hotels.'

Elaborating on the rejection of Noah's scheme, he continued. 'When we looked at his plan, it was entirely unworkable, as we simply cannot afford two of every animal. However, many of our councillors did approve of the idea that a future world would be populated by a single bloodline. After all, keeping your family close is par for the course in the wolds, which also explains why many local children start school being able to count to eleven.'

Nigel Farage was not available for comment without paying him £50 to give an answer via Cameo.

Image credit: stable diffusion

Trump blames diversity for the lack of diversity

Having blamed all of America's ills on disabled parking and gender neutral cup holders, the President explained that the real reason we had so few minorities in The White House was checks notes because we have so many minorities in The White House. According to Trump, an excess of Mexicans had led to a bottleneck at The White House gates, making it impossible for fellow Mexicans to come in, so they could be deported in an orderly fashion.

He further elaborated, that plane collisions were caused by Woke air traffic controllers, the AI stock crash was the result of taking the knee and the Ukraine War could have been avoided if Ukraine had not been so busy with pronoun badges.

Through a series of hastily worded Tweets, Trump made it clear that Cancel Culture was forcing him to ban certain groups. Affirmative Action was really Negative. And the Me Too Movement was just asking for it.

Online uproar as advert for multiracial trans-dance group features cars

Trans-dance group, Binary M, have come under criticism this week for pandering to a temporary mass interest in the automobile. The group, with over a century of history and seen as an elite global name in trans-dance group innovation and design, released a markedly different concept in the genre’s advertising type. The advert featured a seemingly unrelated montage of sleek, expensive motor vehicles slickly handling mountain passes at speed.

'Go bloke, go broke,' wrote one puzzled observer. 'Ha. Binary M have just hit the self implode button. What the f*ck do luxury cars have to do with gender non-specific voguing moves? Don’t forget to close the door on your way out, Binary M. C*nts.' There was unpleasantness, too. Hitler’s bunker scene in Downfall was re-edited to paint the now deceased dictator as the harried Binary M marketing manager following release of the ad. 'We’ll play the advert in sports bars during Premier League matches,' says Hitler, his hands shaking, as beautiful secretaries stifle sympathetic tears.

Marcus Q, former wanker from the Face magazine, tried to put the advert into socio-historical context. But what he said was too insubstantial to repeat. Meanwhile, the Binary M social media team has been doubling down, hoping to gain traction in the male 50 to 70 year old 'bandwidth'. Their IG account led from the front with a sequence of cis-white male icons from the past, including John Wayne, Harvey Proctor, Keith Allen, and Orville. The household names were pictured driving various six-figure cars away from their family homes above the legend, 'I’m transitioning to the pub.'

Eventually Marcus Q made some sort of sense. 'You can come back from this. But Binary M will have to offer up a patsy, someone traditional to apologise to the base. A Richard Hammond swigging a Bud and debasing himself with an apology to this generation.' Richard Hammond, currently filming a series of racist jokes, was unavailable for comment.

Image: WixAI