Braverman to outlaw homelessness

Suella Braverman spoke to some handpicked right wing press, confirming she was giving the order today to the UK's homeless to go and find a house or flat or face transportation to Rwanda or imprisonment.

When it was put to her the reasons for people living the streets or rough sleeping, she called the journalists woke, pronoun loving Remainers and stated that she would consider those taking mortgage payment holidays as homeless too. Also people who camped more than three weeks a year, people who operated homeless charities and people donating to food banks.

Apparently it only encourages people to be avoid hard work and laze around on the streets whilst lefty councils give them £3,000 a day to welcome in the small boats full of young men bent on benefits cheating and getting multiple sex changes on the NHS.

Braverman's aides removed her from the stage as she appeared to be frothing at the mouth.

Image: Naomi August (@naomi_august) | Unsplash Photo Community

Breakfast in a Liverpool caff on Sunday morning

'Woke' Concrete Closes Schools

Not wanting your child to be crushed to death by collapsing concrete school structures has been condemned as 'woke' and 'elf and safety gorn mad'.

Professionally furious man Derek Drummond said 'When I was at school, we were encouraged to play and jump around structurally unsound buildings until they collapsed into jagged construction material. I used to love all those sharp concrete edges, rusty steel wires just ready to impale the unwary. In my day, concrete walls fell on school children every week and we just got on with it. Except my best friend Ian. He never got on with it. Ever again. It made me the cold, unfeeling bastard I am today.'

Mum of 2 Francesca Fraser said 'At this point in the summer holidays, I don’t care how dangerous it is, I just need them out of the house. They’ve had their tetanus jabs, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Look, Mummy needs her morning wine served with a little less judgment, OK?'

Teaching assistant Karolina Krychowiak added 'Extra holidays baby! I’ll chisel away at the concrete myself if it means an extra few days away from those entitled little shitbags.'

Builder Luke Lyle sucked his teeth before saying 'Oof. You’ve had some cowboys in here mate – it’s gonna cost you. Raac - at least it wasn't Raab. I don’t suppose Matt Hancock is dishing out the contracts is he?'

'For the last time, RAAC is not us. Please, please stop calling.' wept a beleaguered spokeswoman for the RAC. 'We handle breakdowns of cars, not breakdowns of  the country’s educational infrastructure.'

Hat-tip modelmaker

Image: Pixabay/WOKANDAPIX