Spain wins catch a girl kiss a girl World Cup

A Spanish newcomer is celebrating first place in the Inappropriate Snog World Cup.

The man from Madrid stunned the unwanted heavy petting community with an unexpected victory in the grand final. Held in Sydney, a record crowd was present to witness an unbelievable strike, snatching the limelight from a tournament favourite.

'Some fit young women were present under the pretence of a kick-about, but they were very hard to catch,' said Ruis Lubblies. 'However, I forced myself to be patient until they got tired, and then picked off the one with the weakest defence.

'I struck just before the final wolf-whistle, launching an attack in the dying seconds with a clinical finish outside the box. It had to go to VAR as there was a suggestion it hadn't crossed the line, but I knew I'd pulled off a brilliant grab and smash.

'I can't wait to get home and force all of the women to attend an extraordinary meeting so as to make it seem like they all consented. 

'The American was one of the favourites at the start of the tournament, but he didn't even make it past the pussy grab round. This isn't just a victory for Spain, it's a victory for all Unsolicited Smooch Associations. And I want to stand as a beacon of unacceptable behaviour to young boys everywhere.'

The next besmirching of female achievement World Cup will take place at Fulton County Jail in four to ten years.

Image:Pixabay/noname_13

Nike sues England goalkeeper Mary Earps for wearing Earps shirt

Head of Cruelty to Women at Nike's global PR & Strategy agency, Tammy Wincemaker, confirmed, 'We take the manufacture of fake Nike merch very seriously. Nike brand values must be protected at all costs. Those brand values include that women cannot have what we automatically do for men.

'Nike has evidence of several Earps England goalkeeper jerseys in existence. The reason we know they must be fake is because we refused to make any genuine replica Earps shirts, so we can be certain that any in existence are illegal. We will bring to bear the full weight of international trademark protection law on one individual in particular, by the name of Mary Earps. We have learned that she has "saved a lot" so we are going to take her for everything she's got.

'Anyone else wearing Earps shirts will also be sued, regardless of whether they claim to be 7-year-old girls who really like football and want to support one of their favourite players. We need to send a clear message to anyone, no matter how young, that the most important thing in football is Nike. And that the worst criminal offences anyone can commit in the whole world is to manufacture, distribute or wear merchandise Nike has claimed the exclusive rights to and then not made. There is literally nothing worse a person could do.

'There are two very clear reasons for this. Firstly, Nike has a reputation to maintain of pretending to support women's football, while at the same time not really caring. Secondly, we stand to make more money from suing fans for making their own clothing than we could ever have made from producing and selling them ourselves.'

image from pixabay

How Cinderella came to play football for England

Once upon a time there was a girl called Cinderella who lived with her two ugly - by which I mean differently beautified - sisters. The ugly sisters were out all the time and Cinders was left back at the house, practising her role as sweeper.

Now it happened that Prince Charming, who was very fond of ball games, decided to throw a ball. As he didn’t really understand how social media worked, he ended up inviting absolutely everyone.

The ugly sisters told Cinderella that she wasn’t old enough for ball games, and couldn’t go. Even though their judgement was clouded from too much practice at headers with a medicine ball, Cinders accepted their decision.

On the day of the ball, Cinders helped the foul sisters into their away strip, waved them off, and cried.

Suddenly, something magical happened, and Cinders found herself with her fairy godmother, who said that she could go the game after all. Her fairy godmother her a beautiful ball gown, with a fairly discreet corporate logo, and a pair of golden boots. She magicked up an amazing coach and six smartly dressed footie men. The coach was pulled by six of Harry Redknapp’s horses. The only condition was that Cinders must leave at full time as the transportation couldn’t go south of the river after midnight.

At the ball Cinderella managed to handle all the dodgy passes and outflanked the opposition. She avoided the princes tackle and kept him out of the box. As full time approached, Cinders sprinted past the wall and ran for her coach, even though the prince wanted extra time. In her hurry to go, she left behind one of her golden boots.

The prince was desperate to agree a deal with Cinders while the transfer window was open. He searched high and low for the foot to fit the golden boot.

Eventually the Prince tracked down Cinderella and said she was the special one and a keeper. He signed her immediately, offering a massive sponsorship deal as a dowry. And although Cinders is really Greek, or Italian, or German, depending on who you choose to believe, she played happily ever after for England, and scored many times.

Hat tip to SteveB

image from pixabay