Britain running out of space to bury bodies, warn serial killers

The country's psychopaths have been warning they will have to resort to cremation by 2030 if the present rate of unsustainable development continues. Some have suggested putting a "Bundy belt" of green space around every urban area where bodies can be disposed of.

"We can't hope to compete with the US if people don't stop covering the country in ugly housing estates and motorways", says one exasperated strangler. "In America a killer can just hop in his pickup truck with his corpse and shovel, follow directions from voices in his head, and before he knows it he's in the wilderness".

"Their psychos can rack up body counts faster than Boris Johnson impregnates women", he continues. "But it looks like Britain will always be a country of single-figure losers".

However, another loner who did not wish to be named has called on murderers to stop whinging and waiting for the nanny state to solve their problems. "Commuting 100 miles with a body in the boot is so 2019", he sneers as he concretes over his patio for the third time this month. "It's time we got used to the concept of working from home".

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Misery should be "default" says minister

Britain's office workers should get back to expensive and time wasting commutes, sick buildings and sexual harassment, said a spokesperson for the chancellor yesterday.

Billie Bunt, Junior Minister for Treasure, clarified that the government's position is that, as most key workers cannot work from home, and are often paid less than office workers, something has to give. And as a pay rise for nurses was obviously unthinkable, back on the buses it is.

"Britain's swift adjustment to home working was a resounding success - giving people flexibility, helping people see their families more, and saving money and pollution" continued Ms Bunt, "it's got to stop. How are the property and transport companies going to pay their dividends if we go on pandering to what the little people actually want? Trusting them to decide how they live their lives? They'll be wanting to choose who's in government next."

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Much harder to have affairs from home, complain lecherous CEOs

Get back to the office, so we can start making sexualised remarks and inappropriately touching junior female members of staff. That's the message from Conservative ministers and industry leaders.

'How am I supposed to feel like a real man unless I clumsily attempt to grope Jodie from Accounts.' sleazed CEO Ian Ingram. 'I'm playing golf with the boys later and I need something to boast about. Last week one of them bought new tits for his wife and his secretary.'

'If that pervert comes near me I'll put his head through a f*cking wall.' said Jodie Johnstone from Accounts. 'Joke's on him though because I've been embezzling for years.'

'Hunt and Rees-Mogg want people back in offices? Sometimes I forget that Jeremy Hunt is rhyming slang, but then he says something out loud and I remember.'

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