top of page
Search
Manager Gareth Southgate refused to attend a press conference following England’s latest embarrassing defeat in Qatar. Despite inventing the game, the country is still terminally useless at being able to kick a ball in any meaningful direction.
‘I’m as sick as a parrot,’ muttered a crestfallen Southgate as he walked away from the scene of England’s latest disgrace. ‘We haven’t had a decent result since we beat Stockport Post Office in the Euros,’ he added. ‘Frankly, we only have ourselves to blame for scoring against ourselves.
We had a carefully worked out plan with Venn diagrams, a screening of Escape from Alcatraz, and a PowerPoint presentation from some bloke in a tracksuit. I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.’
Assistant coach, Ronnie Rickets, said it could mean wearing a sheepskin coat on the touchline like they did in the old days.
‘Yeah, well, you know, said Ronnie. ‘Harry Kane did point out that a sheepskin coat in sixty-plus degrees might not be conducive to keeping cool under the circumstances. That earned him a punch in the face from Gareth and sixty lashes from the security guards.’
Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty. The festival of daring, bravery and skill involves very carefully putting one foot in front of the other, as even the slightest step out of line could prove fatal.
The Qatari authorities have explained that even white, hetrosexual, teetotal, male entrants who don’t really care about human rights will have to tread very carefully along the high wire throughout the competition. All other contestants will have the added complication of tightrope walking on eggshells, and absolutely no safety net will be provided.
Overall, it is hoped that the world’s television viewers will be hugely entertained by the event, and will marvel at the spectacle of the death-defying acts. Apart from the families of the exploited migrant construction workers whose efforts to set up the tournament in Qatar were sadly less than death-defying.
bottom of page