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Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38



Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.


'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 


What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'


Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.

Senior Management Roles in US Government – jobs suddenly available


Senior management vacancies - suddenly available right now (various locations, all in the US)


Re-numeration: 80,000 – 120,000 Meme Coin - minus benefits


Hours: Yes


Suitable for angry, scared and resentful individuals who don’t waste time on critical thinking. This role will provide plenty of opportunities for revenge and power trips. You will be told exactly what to say and will be provided resources to conduct your own research on.


Required skills:


• Being Male (At birth and currently)

• If you are non-Caucasian or non-straight, or even, worst case, a woman, then you must make up for that in advanced anger skills and cutting-edge hypocrisy

• Preferred social media must be Truth Social or X (Referring to this as Twitter is immediate rejection)

• Xenophobia an advantage, even if you don't fully know what that means

• Must be a True Patriot - provide supporting convictions and how far you got on Jan 6th 2021

• Must have over 88,000 online followers, 90% of which can be bots

• Ownership of a high-end podcast microphone is preferred along with a wall mounted firearm which is to be visible in all video conference calls.


In your job application, include your aims in a twelve-word phrase or four word slogan


Picture credit: WIX AI + deskpilot

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