BBC airs 'Dr Who and the Garlics' to win over French haters

'We've taken a lot of flack from the right wing press for apparently being biased towards the left,' said a spokes-Tardis for the BBC.

'So to prove how totally impartial we are, we're putting out a show which serves up some truly loathsome foreign villains for Tories and Reform voters to despise.

'It's a special edition of Dr Who in which the doctor, played by an in-form Nigel Farage, takes on a bunch of shifty, treacherous French humanoid machines called the Garlics who want to subject Britain to European rule again.

'Armed with only a sonic vodka and orange screwdriver and 200 Rothmans, Farage's Doctor Who defeats Macron, the evil Garlic leader, by boring him and everyone else to death with a series of interminable press conferences.

'We've really done the background on this,' said the BBC spokes-Jelly Baby, looking increasingly embarrassed at what he had been made to read out.

'The Farage doctor regenerated from the Enoch Powell doctor. He, in turn, regenerated from Oswald Mosley and Lord Haw Haw.

'And the Farage doctor is a Time Lord, all right, because what he really wants is to take Britain back in time to the 1930s and then lord it over everyone as prime minister.'

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Millions fooled by 'Nigel Mirage' say British geographers

'In our recent travels across the toxic landscape of British politics,' said a spokes-compass for the Royal Geographical Society, 'we have encountered a remarkable new phenomenon which we have named the 'Nigel Mirage'.

'A Nigel Mirage occurs when the leader of Reform announces what seems from a distance to be a radical and ruthless new policy proposal but which, when you get closer to it, suddenly disappears.

'For example, we saw Nigel claim that he would cut off welfare payments to migrants and save the Treasury £260 billion a year. But on closer inspection, it turned out there were hardly any categories of people that Nigel could actually take money away from, so the idea dissolved into thin air.

'Similarly, with Reform's schemes for mass deportations to El Salvador and Afghanistan. They loomed up in the shimmering distance, looking like monumentally important party policies. However, at the precise moment that Nigel started getting cross-examined in press conferences, these schemes magically vanished. All you could see in their place was Nigel shaking his head while claiming to have been misquoted by the media.

'The strange thing,' said the RGS spokes-atlas, 'is that moderate voters believe Nigel when he tells them that these hardline policy ideas were mere tricks of the light, and that he's actually a moderate guy.

'However, for voters on the hard right, these Nigel Mirages stick in the head and continue to look very real indeed. These voters carry on having the clear impression that if Reform gets into power, it will let migrants starve and then throw them out of Britain.

'It's almost as though,' the spokes-trigpoint mused, 'the Nigel Mirage was designed to work that way.'

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Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.

Under the plans, films would only be shown if they can easily understood by the majority English speaking community. Foreign films would need to apply for a license; would only be shown in specialist cinemas; and would have new censor rating of 'F'. Reform has also said it plans to bar any British citizens from accessing the subtitled films with a view to phasing out Welsh and other indigenous languages, as early as possible. The party claims their plans would increase Britishness and adherence to British values by over 200%.

Chancellor Rachel Reeves said the suggested measures 'might be a good or a bad idea' and the government were already looking at restricting access for Foreign films, or allowing everyone access to everything.

Image: Myke Simon (@myke_simon) | Unsplash Photo Community