Man who hammered face said it was just like voting Labour

Extreme masculinity trends have been likened to the devastating effects of supporting a bunch of genocidal crooks. And destroying yourself to appear more manly, sounds like Labour's foreign policy.

A man who crushed his testicles in a vice said it was like meeting Yvette Cooper for the first time. Another said being pumped full of illegal steroids was less risky than trusting Wes Streeting with the NHS.

One man, who'd had his brains smashed out with a polo mallet, was asked how he felt, he said, 'Dunno, I'm the Prime Minister.'

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First figures detained under Weather House 'one in, one out' deal

A man with an umbrella has been detained in the UK's new 'one in, one out' deal with German weather houses. This has allowed a woman in a frilly skirt carrying a basket of flowers to emerge from the building.

The Met Office said those detained will be held under house arrest until the the weather changes again.

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper did not confirm how many men with umbrellas were being held, and said she was prepared to resist any legal challenges aimed at preventing their detention.

She said: 'It's the beginning of the pilot and we will turn our attention to cuckoo clocks, and those timepieces with figures like those on Trumpton, and Warmington -On-Sea Town Halls.'

Speaking about the first detentions, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said: 'If you bring bad weather with you, you will face being sent back inside. When I say I will stop at nothing to secure our nice weather, I mean it.'

Image: Wix AI

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper to have a 'very strong word' with smuggling gangs

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