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Russian peace deal demands Zelensky wear a suit



The war in Ukraine is set to rumble on as a diplomatic solution, hinged on President Zelensky knowing how to put on a tie. While relinquishing Ukrainian territory is seen as unreasonable, asking Zelensky to find an ironed shirt is a clear red line.


One Russian General complained: 'Zelensky has treated the entire campaign as dress-down Friday. Combat trousers and t-shirts, every f$ckin day! He dresses like he is still in college. No serious politician gets his wardrobe from Andriy's Army Surplus.'


Ukraine has made a counteroffer that Zelensky would wear his 'birthday suit' if the Russians also went naked. Said an aide: 'That way we all get to go commando.'


Burglary victim told to be reasonable about it


A burglary victim was today told by the police to be more reasonable in his demands for the return of his property.


Mr Zelensky of Europe E17 was initially hopeful of getting his stuff back, when the police told him they knew exactly who had taken it and where he lives.


However, after lengthy discussions with the burglar, they later told the victim he shouldn’t be so unreasonable and absolutist in his demands for restitution.


'Alright, so, in an ideal world Mr Putain wouldn’t have taken your things,' they said. 'But we can’t be obsessing over the past like that. We have to look at the situation going forward and find a solution all parties are comfortable with.


”We’ve put to Mr Zelensky a proposal that Mr Putain, whilst keeping everything he’s already taken, won’t take any more. But I’m sorry to say he’s being quite inflexible about this, which really isn’t helpful.'


However, the negotiations were rendered moot by the news that Mr Putain had not only taken more, he’d also moved into Mr Zelensky’s house and changed the locks, a move the police described as 'perfectly reasonable, given he now has so many of Mr Zelensky’s possessions and obviously needs somewhere to keep them.'


Picture credit: Wix AI




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