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A-levels - who gives a sh$t?

A gigantic wave of apathy swept the UK as another predictable day of unpredictable exam results arrived. With 99% of the nation spending the last two years working hard not to study an A level, the tension experienced by whiny teenagers was greeted with the same indifference we reserve for coastal erosion in New Zealand or celery.

Said one attractive female student: 'I've been jumping and beaming gormlessly, in this tight top, for photographers all morning. It captured my boundless excitement for a jobless future and crippling University debt. Fortunately, I had an elderly relative on hand to dampen my enthusiasm by explaining that exams were tougher in 'their day'- as was contraception and trying not to be racist'

The Department of Education put out an encouraging message: 'Even if results are down, standards are clearly on the rise. Yet teachers are still dreadful. And probably Trotskyites. Remember, A-levels are the gold standard...unless of course we're in Opposition; in that case, they're worthless. Either way teachers are dreadful'.

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