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Beards to be used as camouflage, says Army

Due to cutbacks in actual camouflage uniforms, the Army is to allow beards for the first time. The beards themselves must dyed green and black, and be large enough to cover a small tank.

One General admitted: 'Bullets are too expense, so we now require all soldiers to grow their fingernails and sharpen them into bayonets. Grenades are also a luxury, so we will be hurling excrement instead.'

The beard allows soldiers to attach small items using velcro pads and can turn into a bivouac when required. By contrast, The Royal Air Force has allowed beards since 2019, due to a shortage in planes. Pilots were ordered to stand on runways and hope their beard got snagged on a propeller from a commercial flight. They would then commandeer the plane, at an altitude of 10,000 feet, provided they did not feel too dizzy from all the spinning.

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