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Britain leaves Eurovision song contest while Australia applies to join EU

The UK government has insisted that voters in the referendum on leaving the EU would have understood it to extend to the Eurovision song contest. Representatives insisted Britain could go it alone in creating a "bolder, camper and culturally deficit version of a song contest", and didn't need cooperation with other countries to achieve that, saying it's domestic supply was ample.

Meanwhile Australia's recent entry into the Eurovision song contest has been seen as an important first step in Australia's application to gain EU membership. A source close to the EU revealed: "It makes sense. At any point half the Australian 18-25 population is back-packing in Europe while 50% of highly qualified European university graduates are picking fruit in Australia. And since Britain has left our quota of crony capitalist fossil fuelled militarily-industrial states is at historically low levels".

However, the source added that before it will consider Australia's application, the country must improve it's human rights record for Aboriginals and asylum seekers, reduce systemic racism, reduce it's extinction rate and actually have a climate change policy beyond "the coal industry told us to say this".

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister whose name no-one can remember said that "these were inseparable parts of our 120 year old national Australian culture, so don't ask us to change them".

When asked to elaborate on Australia's non-existent climate change policy the spokesperson added "digging things out the ground and selling them to the rest of the world has been the basis of our economy for 120 years. Oh, that and sheep. It's not like we've got a limitless supply of sunshine and tidal power that we could harness to export renewable energy, we're not that fortunate. We'll just have to stick to being the world's largest coal exporter as we can't think of any other options. Don't read this bit out but finish by making some off-hand comment about how harmless coal mining is. Oh whoops".

Hat-tip Sir Lupus

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