Budget leak #42: Jam Jars

The government is expected to announce new measures on tackling small annoyances. It has already taken decisive action to address the scourge of loud music on public transport and overzealous enforcement by private car park operators.

The latest move is to crack down hard on jar lids that won't come off. 'Not being able to open jars is a real problem for many people,' wittered a government spokesman. 'Disadvantaged groups are particularly affected, including the old, the young, the differently abled, and the millions of people in Gaza who have no jars at all.'

The new order will require all jars to be easily opened by the average person on the Clapham omnibus, although TfL continues to recommend that glass objects should be safely wrapped for the full duration of any bus journey.

'This measure will help millions of ordinary people who have been denied pickles, Nutella, mayo or tahini through no fault of their own. This is one occasion when a glass half empty will be perfectly OK.'

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