Can't-be-arsed UK government asks public to stick forks in their own eyeballs
Boris Johnson's governance by tossing off has reached a pinnacle of efficiency.
A half-hearted spokesmumbler sighed and murmured, "Rather than making bold claims like 'world-beating' and then doing the opposite, it makes much more sense to bring the do nothing bit forward."
"From this point onwards, the government isn't even going to bother saying anything at all about stuff it clearly isn't going to do anyway."
"But that does leave us with the difficult problem of how we continue causing as much pain and suffering to the UK public as possible."
"To that end, the public is encouraged to throw themselves down stairs, stick their faces in fans, and thrust forks into their own testicles. If you don't have testicles, then grow a pair."