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Center parcs release final U turn instructions for residents

Further to our earlier instruction, where we stated inmates, sorry, residents were to remain in their accommodation for the duration of the funeral service on Monday, we have updated our rules.

First, Inmates are allowed to leave their cells, sorry, lodges for fresh air, toilet breaks and roll call.

Second, in the interest in customer security, ankle trackers will be issued to all prisoners, sorry, inmates, sorry see above. A fully refundable deposit will be required, your credit card has already been debited.

Third, anyone straying more than thirty metres from their cells will be shot. A fully refundable deposit will be taken out on bullets, one per resident. Any bullets not used will result in the deposit being refunded. If bullets are required, customers can, of course, keep them but the deposit will be retained.

Fourth, Center Parcs is all about getting back to nature. As a result, all inmates attending on the 19th will be expected to get close to nature by digging a rectangular hole, approximately six foot deep, one per resident. The hole is not billable, but any customers availing themselves of the holes will have their estate billed as per our extended stay discounted rate.

All of us at Center Parcs wish all our lags a restful and enjoyable visit.

image from pixabay

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