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Scientists warn about the effects of Nicholas Witchell

Writer: Irrelevant
Irrelevant
5 days ago


In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days.


Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich."


"Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantras such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or ‘It would be wrong to speculate but…” showing a level of infection not even Covid reached at it's peak. The NHS should be prepared for a wave of people infected with what SAGE are calling Witchell waffle ."


Bringing the emergency health bulletin to a close, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm, dressed in his beloved Boston United football kit warned, "People might think they can deal with it, but Witchell, whose overtime payments alone are set to be responsible for a doubling of the licence fee, has according to viewing figures already been on our TV screens for longer than the little girl who used to play naughts and crosses with her doll. Listen to the science. Our advice is stay away from your TV sets and mobile devices. Turn off your radios and for heaven's sake do not buy the Daily Mail until at least October."


image from pixabay



First published 16 Sep 2022


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Man worried about 'peaking too early' in grieving for Queen

Writer: ChrisF
ChrisF
Sep 14


A man has expressed concern that he may have peaked too early in his sadness for the passing of the Queen, it has emerged.


Mike McBride has already had to dip deep into his reserves of go-to phrases to express his grief over the Queen's death, noting solemnly at least 100 times over the last 4 days to anyone who will listen that her steadfast duty is an example to us all, that she represented everything that was good about our nation, and that her sense of humour was surprisingly dry for a monarch.


McBride has already spent days glued to the armchair in his living room flicking between Sky News, BBC and ITV looking to pick up previously unknown nuggets about the Queen's life that he can scatter into his conversation, but knows that the hard yards are still ahead of him.


'I need to remember its a marathon not a sprint', said McBride. 'Operation London Bridge is only a quarter of the way through, and I'm already dangerously low on Queen-related conversation fuel'


'I do have an anecdote from a friend - or maybe it was Giles Brandreth on one of his hundred or so vox-pops? - who said he saw The Queen eating a ham sandwich out of a tupperware box when she attended the St Leger horse race one year - she really did have the common touch', said McBride. 'I was hoping to save this for the day of the funeral to impress friends and family, but I may have to kick for the home straight much sooner.'


'There's just no way I can continue at this level for another week', admitted McBride. 'I'm so knackered, I tried to cut and paste that picture of the Her Majesty holding hands with Paddington onto my Facebook profile page but ended up posting a photo of the weeds in the vegetable patch in my garden that I'd just taken, along with the message 'Rest in Peace Ma'am'. Nightmare.'


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First published 14 Sep 2022


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Archbishop of Canterbury 'well aware' September the 19th is also 'talk like a pirate' day

Writer: Throngsman
Throngsman
Sep 13


A Palace spokesperson confirmed that it was always the late Queen's intention that her funeral would conform to established protocols. 'Her Majesty would have insisted on the service being read out in the vernacular of a pirate, of course she would, me hearties,' practised the spokesperson, slipping an eye patch on for effect. 'It isn't known if Archbishop Welby will be wearing an eye patch, but I'm sure he will have an inflatable parrot on his shoulder during the service,' he added.


Sir Elton John is expected to wear a striped top and Westminster Abbey intends flying the skull and crossbones flag at half mast 'in total respect for the day.' King Charles is thought to be especially enthusiastic to find a use for his mock-Cornish accent, having spent the best part of fifty years owning most of the land there and not having any plausible reason to declare 'oit's the apple barrel for you Jim lad, yo ho ho and all that' until now.


Princes William and Harry are expected to leverage their in-depth knowledge through the Invictus Games and will attend in matching prosthetic legs, while throwing plastic pieces of eight into the crowd. Prince Andrew was disappointed to learn 'Love your lawyer day' wasn't until November 4th.


image from pixabay



First published 13 Sep 2022


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