A Church of England spokesman has been defending its controversial decision to sacrifice at least one person at every service throughout England in order to boost attendance. "We're seriously competing with reality TV for people's attention, while at the same time tackling the problem of over-population", he explains. "It's a win-win situation".
After studying various Aztec rituals for best practices, the latest synod has settled on cutting out a selected parishioner's beating heart and holding it up to the congregation. "It's designed to appeal to the 15 to 20 age cohort that plays violent video games", one deacon explains. "Also gluten-allergic churchgoers will welcome the phasing out of Communion wafers", he adds. Every vicar has been issued with a steak knife and a booklet outlining the health and safety regulations.
Meanwhile, 67-year-old Mrs Joan Entwhistle of Eastbourne is not happy. "When my husband didn't come home from church on Sunday, I assumed he'd gone off to the pub with his friends", she says. "Little did I know the vicar was waving his heart at a bloodthirsty crowd of retired postmistresses. I'll be writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury about this".
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