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Nation's faithful weep for joy over appointment of new Archbishop

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"It had been nearly a year that the Church of England was without an Archbishop of Canterbury and I thought that if the position were to be left vacant for a single more day, our dear nation would crumble into the sea," said 525-year-old Moira Bonkers of Fading Light nursing home in Broadstairs, shedding tears of pure joy onto her hymnal.


"But now God has wrought His wonders and we have a new incumbent on the Throne of St Augustine to lead all our souls to heaven," continued Bonkers, as church bells pealed inside her head.


"And I do so respect the Right Reverend Thomas Cranmer as a great moral and spiritual leader for our age," she added.


On being told the new Archbishop is not Cranmer but a former NHS bureaucrat who constantly wears a plastic laminated ID tag around her neck saying that her name is Mullally or something, Bonkers said: "Yeah, right. Like that's who God wanted  - Sarah from Personnel."




Priest strike to delay processing of forgiveness of sins


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Threatened industrial action by some 400,000 catholic priests worldwide is set to begin this Sunday, on the feast of the holy labourer. Guilt ridden catholic nations, set to endure the worst effects of the strikes, are bracing themselves for public waves of entrenched doubt and regret.



The strike action has been called by priests angry at the papacy's ban on clergy taking work as freelance spiritualists. Priests subsidise their modest incomes moonlighting as jack-of-all religions in cult ridden minority communities, officiating at voodoo wedding ceremonies, and performing mass online tarot readings. Elsewhere, in godless modern Britain, they serve part time as totems of the standin religions, appearing as mascots at Championship level English football sides or judges on Strictly.



Now Rome has had enough. 'Haec nos pigra c*nts satis,' said a prelate in the Vatican, insisting priest pay rates suffice. Papish stubbornness, it seems, will not ease church discord, however. 'I shall be picketing the cathedral this Sunday,' warned an angry priest. 'I see it as an article of faith, indeed a divine obligation -should there be any- to clump any scabs.'



Police, fearful of a minority of violent clergy, have threatened to arrest those who tweet about Southport. Meanwhile to find similar examples of industrial action, you must search back to the Church of England strikes during the early Thatcher years. At the time, no one noticed.


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