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Church offers unsecured ‘low-cost salvation’.

Customers will have the opportunity to offload short term guilt but that will be set against the risk of eternal damnation. They will also offer budget weddings. ‘Initially I was taken to a warehouse, with a bag on my head,’ complained the would-be groom. ‘I was then told to choose from three mystery brides. I just picked a number randomly. What could I do? I’m now married to a short-haired goat called ‘Keith’. He’s eating me out of house and home!’

The Archbishop of Canterbury boasted a16% success rate in helping customers into heaven. ‘And if someone defaults on their soul, does anyone really care?’


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