"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bunces set to increase
- Chipchase
- 1 minute ago
- 1 min read
Britain's water companies have been given the green light to further increase water rates.
One sarcastic householder currently facing eviction for non-payment of utility bills, Ron Perkins from Maidenhead, commented: 'This is brilliant news. Isn't it? I'm so happy on behalf of the shareholders of the companies. I was fearing that despite gouging its customers last year an eye-watering 40% hike in bills, Thames Water was struggling to pay big enough dividends. Looks like they will be still able to ride the gravy train after all. The brass-necked bastards.'
Speaking to the press, a major water company director who obviously hadn't the barefaced cheek to be identified said, 'Do I welcome this news despite my toes curling up even more than Rumpelstiltskin's? Of course I do. I have had my eye on a new Porsche for a while now and if these rises are sanctioned then it's happy days for me. They don't come cheap you know? Will cost at least 2% of my dividend.'
When asked if he didn't feel embarrassed or tin-eared a) over the gross incompetence of his company's performance, and b) the rises being sure to cause the cash-strapped public even more hardship, he added, 'I can get a new Porsche, now. So why the sad face? It's not all bad news.'
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