In an unexpected plot twist of The Crown, everyone's favourite villain has attacked the King through his lymph nodes. The Royal Surgeon explained: 'You can spread tumours just by disrespecting the institution. And failed actresses are known to be carcinogenic.'
Meghan's master plan is to render all coins bearing Charles' face worthless, thus crashing the economy. That will pave the way for a palace coup, putting the first ginger on the throne since Elizabeth I left her wig behind.
William's own sexual misadventures will see him step aside - pegged as the 'new Prince Andrew'. Only then will the Daily Express' editor print a grovelling retraction: 'I for one welcome our new overlord, Queen Meghan.'