The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) has suggested that the UK’s lubricated revellers could be used to generate future Coalition strategy. By attaching a series of monitoring devices to cells, the ACPO claim that the alcoholic ramblings of the average Geordie, would be 68% more inciteful than the average Minister.
Every Friday evening at ‘closing time’, sexually aggressive, yet opinionated, youths will be shepherded into holding pens. Inside the cell their intoxicated stream of consciousness will be transcribed by civil servants. A Downing Street spokesman explained: ‘Not every burp, expletive or soiled trouser leg is going to turn into legislation. There’s going to be an editing process. But, like sifting through their vomit – you will find the occasional lump of carrot or Tory manifesto pledge’.
The first key policy, generated, was scrapping free school meals for primary schools, in favour of the erection of a 500ft kebab in Scunthorpe’s town centre. Said one Minister: ‘Gerroff me! I’m not fit-shaced. I’m ash sober ash…I’ve got thesh greaaaat idea… Letsh have a pance darty! Wheeeere d’ya think yeeeeer goin’? I looove you. I looove you, man.’