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Early Norfolk Man had six toes

Recent footprints discovered along the shores of Happisburgh, are the clearest indication yet that these phalange-rich primitives had sloping foreheads, duelling banjos and an uncle that doubled as a brother. Given the direction of travel, Early Man was trying unsuccessfully to escape from the shallow end of the gene pool – but was one million years too early to audition for the Jeremy Kyle Show.

A spokeswoman for the British Museum confirmed: ‘Technically he was more inbred than a baker's fist. More closely related than Joffrey Baratheon. Norfolk doesn't so much as have skeletons in the cupboard, more like relatives in the cellar.'

World Cup Mascots close to extinction‏

Evidence has emerged that World Cup Willie was mistakenly caught up in last year’s badger cull, the French rooster (Footix) fell victim to bird flu and Zakumi the leopard was shot in the face by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Goleo the German lion recently choked to death on Danish giraffe, while Spain’s Naranjito fruit was tragically consumed by the Tory MP Stephen Milligan, during an auto-asphyxiation accident. Ironically the death toll for ‘heat-stroked migrant worker’, the unofficial mascot for Quatar 2022, is already in the hundreds.

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