In an unparalleled show of strength, the Labour Leader has comprehensively cut off all ties with the electorate, adopting a strategy of hiding from his own shadow. An aide said: ‘Appealing to voters is just pandering. Ed is too strong for that. He resolutely resists the urge to develop policies. Attacking the coalition is just what people want. But Ed’s his own man. Did I mention his strength? Or his independence?’
Tom Watson was the first of the shadow cabinet to endorse Ed’s leadership by resigning. Said the aide: ‘Ed can’t talk now. He’s currently submerged in an isolation tank. But I can confirm we are moving our base of operations to a cave in Afghanistan. Ed needs to distance himself from the hurly burly of fulfilling his constitutional role of trying to make the country better through effective opposition. Using a series of meditative exercises, he hopes to reach a higher plane of consciousness, where people and their votes don’t matter.’
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