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England didn’t win the World Cup deliberately

An England spokesman said: ‘People need to release that our ineptitude in various World Cups were all ironic forms of protest. We could have won; we were just trying to prove a point. You don’t think you can miss this many penalties by chance?

‘In fact, such is our self-belief we’ve a special plinth for the next World Cup in our trophy cabinet; right next to the space reserved for the head of the Loch Ness monster, a flying pig and George Osborne’s milk of human kindness’.

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