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Entire UK placed on suicide watch after ABBA release new album

NHS chiefs have raised concerns as the health risk posed by the release of the Swedish pop legends new album reached unprecedented levels.

The government is now scrambling to issue key NHS workers with thousands of tight-fitting spandex face masks.

It's been over 45 years since the Waterloo virus ran riot through Europe and the S number (Sequin) rose to a record 3.7. It was thought to have been entirely suppressed by 1982, although the Dancing Queen mutation is still occasionally active, with outbreaks mostly confined to wedding receptions.

Pant-suited Professor Hans Andersson, a member of the government's SPI-M modelling group, said the outlook was terrifyingly bleak. 'Many people still suffer from "Long Abba" years after being exposed to its many mutations.

The particularly infectious Mama Mia musical strain of the virus, for example, hospitalised thousands. All our data suggests that the unfortunate release of this new virus could, I'm afraid, be an extinction-level event.'

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