Updated: Jun 22
Following a £37 billion project commissioned by Downing Street, it has been discovered that Wembley Stadium is about the size of a football pitch.
Number 10 were uncertain about what football is or how big it might be, so commissioned Deloitte, the nation's leading experts in spaffification to look closely into the issue. Following 16 months of intense investigation, newly appointed Wembley Stadium Size Tsar Dido Harding concluded, "We have provided a definitive answer which the whole country can get behind."
Questions have been raised about whether Harding was the right person for the job given that the subject area was not her field of expertise. Spokesman for pun-based sense, Gary Lineker pointed out, "It's not a field of expertise, it's a pitch of expertise."
It is believed that those who built Wembley Stadium had offered their services for free, but were overlooked for the private contract. "We contacted the government immediately, and indicated that we could provide the precise dimensions, capacity and average queue times for the women's toilets. But the government repeatedly ignored us and never responded to our offers."
It is understood that the Football Association, a group who are vaguely aware of the beautiful game, but who choose to batter it with the ugly stick of gross monetisation, have suggested that Wembley Stadium might actually be a bit bigger than the size of a football pitch. But they won't comment officially until the government provides adequate documentation in the form of multiple request forms bearing the Queen's head, stuffed inside fat brown envelopes.
Questions have also arisen from people who know what football is, many of them including, "Seriously? Even my six-year-old daughter could have told you that." But Prime Minister Boris Johnson has insisted that this was the correct and only course of action, adding, "Can someone tell me how big that is in cricket pitches?"