Britain's most essential provider of health food, Walkers crisps, has announced a devastating flat-snack shortage. A spokes-muncher for the company said through a flurry of spraying crumbs, 'An IT glitch has caused a problem in our supply process because all of our crisps are 3D printed.'
'The whole nation is holding its breath while national treasure Gary Lineker misses meal after meal. He is completely dependent on Walkers crisps for breakfast, lunch and dinner, by cheekily pinching them from attractive young women on park benches.'
'Luckily, the tremendous people of New Zealand have offered an emergency donation of a massive potato they grew which could help save millions of British lives and, most importantly, Leicester's second-favourite son.'
In markets outside the UK where Walkers products are branded differently, there is an outcry of sexual frustration due to the lack of Lays.