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A woman who says she may have opened some crisps by mistake in public when she should have been paying attention at work has been questioned by a person of average intelligence who just finds it a bit of an unlikely thing to do by mistake, and also quite an easy slip up to remedy if you had done it in error.


The crisp opener was asked, ‘When you found you had opened the crisps by mistake, and realised that right in front of you, all enticing and potatoey, there was crisps-based content for all to see, why did you not then use a method to close them again instantly? Perhaps the Klippit popularised by Lakeland, or an elastic band, or put them in a box until the time at which you did want them open and could enjoy them in private. You could even have hidden the spuddy contraband behind your back to avoid anyone looking over your shoulder and catching a glimpse of root vegetable. By keeping the crisps open, and then consuming the crisps for a period of time, people could infer, not unreasonably, that you did mean to open the crisps and then make repeated use of their rhythmic sexy crunch despite being in public.'


The woman's husband has indicated he is standing by her and stated that while he personally doesn’t approve of crisps he knows that many women enjoy them. Colleagues have said the turgid tubers offended their eyes.



Original image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs


First published 1 May 2022



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A NewsBiscuit investigative team provided this statement from 'Barry'.


'It started out innocent enough. Grandad would let me have a Werther's Original when I was round at his house. Then one day, when he wasn't watching, I helped myself to one of his peppermint balls. That was it. I would spend my pocket money on Polos. They lost their zing after a while and I moved onto the stronger Trebor mints.

I couldn't stop. Even when I had to get teeth pulled 'cos all the sugar made my teeth rot. I kept wanting stronger and stronger hits. Eventually, a friend offered me a Fisherman's Friend. That was it. I was up to half a packet a day.


'Happily, my family staged an intervention and arranged a consultation with a specialist. They're easing me off the strong stuff, little by little. I'm currently on a packet of Halls Mentholyptus Extra Strength. It's been tough going, but I feel that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to be on Cheese and Onion crisps by the end of 2025.'


We wish 'Barry' well in his struggle.



Image credit: Carl Spencer, licensed under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/





A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.


Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'


When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'


Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.


'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'


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