Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

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Calls for a halt to ‘shrink-flation’ as a Freddo becomes invisible to the naked eye.

As inflation causes the cost of everyday purchases to soar, shoppers are also being hit by ‘shrink-flation’, as many food manufacturers opt to make their products smaller instead of increasing the price.

Ron Stutter, a spokesman for the consumer action group ‘Regulation In Pricing Of Food Favourites’ (RIPOFF) said, 'It’s time for manufacturers to stop treating their customers like they’re stupid. They keep making products smaller and thinking no one will notice, which is just inflation by stealth. These days many popular food items have become so small they’re hardly worth the bother. A Freddo used to be an affordable treat, but now they’re so tiny you can’t even find them in the shop without the aid of a powerful microscope. No one wants prices to go up, but at least that would be more honest. If they are going to make things smaller instead of increasing prices, they should rebrand the products so people would know what to expect, and they wouldn’t be so disappointed.

'For example, a tub of Quality Street used to be massive - it would last from Christmas Day until Pancake Day. The tubs have become noticeably smaller every year, and now they’re so small they only contain about 6 sweets, and the Toffee Pennies are more like Toffee Halfpennies. The manufacturers should be transparent about the shrinkage, and rename the tubs ‘Less Quantity Street’. A Finger of Fudge is nowhere near the size of a finger – ‘Little Toe of Fudge’ would be a more accurate description. Monster Munch were a crunchy mouthful, but they’ve shrunk so much they should now be sold as ‘Mini Munch’. Topics used to have a hazelnut in every bite, but these days you’re lucky if you can find even a tiny fragment of hazelnut. The allergy warning on the label should read ‘May contain nuts - but we’re not making any promises’. Production of ‘fun-sized’ chocolate bars such as Mars, Snickers and Bounty is pointless, as the full-sized versions have become even smaller than the ‘fun-sized’ varieties. Mini Cheddars should be renamed ‘Miniscule Cheddars’, and Polos should be called ‘Holos’, as they now contain more hole than mint.'

It has not been possible to get in touch with the food manufacturers to ask for their comments, as the contact information on their product packaging was too small to read.

Image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs:

https://pixabay.com/photos/scientist-pathologist-1332343/

Woman Says She May Have Opened Crisps By Mistake In Public

A woman who says she may have opened some crisps by mistake in public when she should have been paying attention at work has been questioned by a person of average intelligence who just finds it a bit of an unlikely thing to do by mistake, and also quite an easy slip up to remedy if you had done it in error.

The crisp opener was asked, ‘When you found you had opened the crisps by mistake, and realised that right in front of you, all enticing and potatoey, there was crisps-based content for all to see, why did you not then use a method to close them again instantly? Perhaps the Klippit popularised by Lakeland, or an elastic band, or put them in a box until the time at which you did want them open and could enjoy them in private. You could even have hidden the spuddy contraband behind your back to avoid anyone looking over your shoulder and catching a glimpse of root vegetable. By keeping the crisps open, and then consuming the crisps for a period of time, people could infer, not unreasonably, that you did mean to open the crisps and then make repeated use of their rhythmic sexy crunch despite being in public.'

The woman's husband has indicated he is standing by her and stated that while he personally doesn’t approve of crisps he knows that many women enjoy them. Colleagues have said the turgid tubers offended their eyes.

Original image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs

https://pixabay.com/photos/potato-chips-potatoes-food-aperitif-1418192/