HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:
1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:
a. Falling Down
c. The Purge
2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.
3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.
4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.
5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.
6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.
7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:
a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.
b. People who fought for you in the war.
c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.
d. People who spot a gap.
The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:
a. The elderly
b. Disabled drivers
c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers
d. Fuel tankers
8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.
9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.
10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.
11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.