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Hobbits to be culled

New Zealand ‘Parks & Wildlife Commission’ plan to exterminate the Halfling pest once and for all. First introduced to the country hidden in the beard of Peter Jackson, these fur-footed homunculi have devastated farmland, dug up crazy golf courses and molested kiwis.

Initially seen as a ‘cute’ household pets, New Zealanders soon grew tired of the creature raiding the fridge, rubbing up against their legs and picking fights with possums. Conservationists originally hoped this short pest could be humanly tranquilized and released into the wild. Unfortunately left to their own devices, hobbits breed like rats and often with rats.

The subsequent population explosion has seen the landscape inundated with tourists, fake west country accents and the smell of feet. These curly-headed gluttons are impervious to the poisoned mushrooms used to bate them and most pesticides were happily devoured as ‘elevenses’. Reluctantly, in the absence of the hobbit’s natural predator, the goblin, New Zealanders are hoping that the Australian Embassy will grant permission to unleash Mel Gibson.


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