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House of Lords to relocate to Wetherspoons

The renovations needed at Westminster require the House of Lords to relocate until the roof is fixed, WiFi is installed and the toilets moved indoors.

'It's going to take a few years and it's going to need a suitable place for Peers to attend, sleep and draw daily allowances,' said a spokesman for the House of Lords today. 'They might need to engage in some friendly banter and debate as well, so we thought we ought to find a suitable place to relocate them to pronto,' he added.

He stated that Wetherspoons seemed to be a good choice as it tends to use aging, quirky premises, has cheap alcohol, serves from eight in the morning and, crucially from a health and safety point of view, has a unique non-slip surface on the floor. It is understood that some patrons have been literally stuck to the surface for years it's that effective. Luckily most seem to have been adhered next to the bar so haven't struggled to eat or drink.

Not everyone in the House of Lords is as keen on the proposal. One objector pointed out that a six person all-party committee undertook a research project into the feasibility in March and apart from a brief sighting of two of the peers staggering across King's Cross Road in ermine robes, tracky bottoms, white socks and Adidas trainers, they haven't returned to the House of Lords, not even to file expense claims, which are expected to be in the tens of pounds by now.

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