How long is the queue now? Government issues common-sense units of measurement
As the queues to see the Queen lying in state get longer and longer, the government has helpfully released a series of new common-sense Units of Measurement to help people understand how long they will be shuffling along:
‘Glastonbury toilet queue’ – after 2 full days of drinking flat cider, and eating fatty burgers and chips, the Sunday morning queues for the bogs at Glastonbury are widely recognised as being ‘bastard long’. Expect similar lengths along the South Bank over the next 2 days, but with slightly less faecal matter and toilet paper swilling around on the floor.
‘Manchester Airport security queue’ – with bags having to be emptied and scanned before mourners file into Westminster Hall, the government have warned the public expect something like the length of the queues Manchester Airport Terminal 2 this August. Useful as a unit of measurement as it mentally prepares people for waits of up to 30 hours. However, please don’t ask the soldiers guarding the catafalque if there is a duty free shop anywhere nearby.
‘Harry Potter book release queue’ – for teenagers in the early 2000s, this measure invokes nostalgic images of queues miles long outside Asda when the final instalments of the Harry Potter book series were released. Lines of mourners may reach similar lengths on Sunday and Monday, say police, although they have cautioned that any Dumbledore and Hagrid costumes worn should be ‘suitably respectful’.
‘Next Boxing Day sale’ – documentation for Operation London Bridge is said to warn of worse case scenarios in which queues to the see the Monarch could be nearly as long as those at the Bluewater Next Store the day after Christmas. Using this unit of measurement may be avoided, however, in case it attracts people to the queue in anticipation of some cheap puffa jackets or oversize onesies.
‘80s dole queue’ – older mourners who were on the sharp end of tyrannical Thatcherite policies will immediately recognise this measure, as will fans of the film The Full Monty. Mourners will be politely advised not to spontaneously mimic the cast dancing in the queue to Hot Stuff as they walk past the coffin.
‘Aldi checkout queue’ – If crowds remain long on Sunday evening, the government has said it will introduce emergency measures to increase the pace of the queue, towards the levels regularly experienced by customers at Aldi checkouts. Highly trained staff from the discount supermarket will be bussed in, to ensure that up to up to 10,000 people every minute can speed through and pay their respects to the Queen.
image from pixabay