Updated: Apr 24
Number Ten has announced because everyone in the country is so fed up listening to Boris Johnson trotting out an endless stream lies and risible shite, that from today and in all subsequent media appearances, his message will be conveyed through the medium of mime performed by a circus clown.
And in a controversial break from normal protocols, it is understood this will also be the format during PMQs, when Mr Johnson will be joined weekly at the despatch box by the newly appointed Minister of Mirth (he's a cheerful chappie boys and girls) Cheeky Charlie Chuckles.
A spokesman told reporters: "The PM will whisper to Charlie to translate the words to mime, while for added clarity, Charlie will also use a set of antique car horns to toot something along the lines of: ‘Parp-parp… burmff. Parp… blare… squeak-squeal-squawk. Parpity parp-parp-parp. Buroooof.’
Reporters leaving today's briefing were upbeat giving the new system a cautious welcome, with many saying it had to be a massive improvement on the current arrangement. "We now may just finally have something vaguely believable to report," commented one hack.