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Kids to learn rugby – mainly lighting your own farts and alcoholism

Said a spokesperson for the Department of Education: ‘Children will learn to sing ‘The hairs on her dickey-di-do’, dispense concussion and down dubious hangover remedies. It is an important life skill to experience a jock strap as a helmet or be tea-bagged by an International Prop Forward. Can today’s students do an effective odd eye-gouge, take enough cocaine to fell an elephant or do the biggest jobby in a pint glass? Yes, we could spend £500,000 on books – but whoever leant any ethics from books? You only have to look at the positive impact playing rugby has had on the morals of those working in the banking sector.

‘Rugby can build grit. The same grit that will eventually lead to coronary heart disease. This scheme will reach more than 17,000 pupils and ultimately create 34,000 cauliflower ears’

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