The X-factor has long been under police investigation for ‘talent trafficking’ and franchising boy bands. Luring vulnerable teenagers with promises of a recording contract, androgynous clothing and all the lemon sherbets they can eat.
One particular pervert, called Cheryl Ann née Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versin José de la Concordia García Márquez - or ‘Chezza’ (26) to her friends - took advantage of her position of trust – promising Liam fame, fortune and, failing that, the chance to meet James Corden.
Why Liam should be attracted to a multi-million-pound model is unclear, but friends describe him as an impressionable 16 year old, ‘who likes crayons’. Experts suggest that One Direction lyrics are perhaps a cry for help or at the very least ‘a plea for assisted suicide’. While others speculate that Cheryl is just trying to ditch her silly surname.